


you're worth it (never forget)

by skyperson12345



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Buck's father is an abusive douchebag, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecurity, Oneshot, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, spoilers for 1x04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyperson12345/pseuds/skyperson12345
Summary: Canon divergence from that scene in 1x04 when Bobby threw Buck against a wall for snooping in his journal. What would have happened if Buck had a traumatic childhood and he didn't take Bobby's actions as lightly as he did canonically? Buck opens up to Hen, only to find that Bobby may have heard more than he intended.“I’m here because I know what PTSD looks like, Buck. Who was it that hurt you before?”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 355
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	you're worth it (never forget)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, so leave plenty of reviews and constructive criticism in the comments :)
> 
> There are some trigger warnings for this fic. I included them in the tags, so please be careful if you are sensitive to any of the things listed. I wasn't really sure if the barely-there gore that I included counted as 'Graphic Depictions of Violence' but, well *shrugs*
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!

“You read my book?” 

Gulping, Buck steps back slightly, caught off guard by the anger glinting in Bobby’s eyes and the quiet rage in his voice. “I mean, I -- I peeked once or twi--”

Without warning, Bobby lashes out, gripping Buck’s neck and swinging him around, slamming him against the wall.

Buck chokes, eyes widening as stark terror washes him. Suddenly, it’s not Bobby’s chocolate eyes glaring furiously at him, but Richard Buckley’s electric blue ones. In the blink of an eye, he’s nine again, trembling at the hands of his father. 

“Stupid, pathetic, disgusting freak!” Richard screams, his spittle flying into Buck’s eyes. “You think you can just say no to me? Huh? Do you think you’re good for anything more than licking the soles of my boots? Maybe I should just kill you now and save me some money! You hear me, Evan? Worthless little  _ fuck _ .”

“Buckley! Hey!”

Dazed, Buck blinks and flinches back, smacking his head against the concrete wall. His captain’s face swims into focus before him, still radiating ire.

“Did you even hear me?” Bobby scoffs. “Don’t  _ ever _ do that again!”

_ You hear me, Evan? _

Shaking slightly, Buck forces himself to nod and swallow the quiet whimper rising from his throat. 

Just then, the sirens begin to wail and Bobby heads off towards the trucks, not even giving him a second glance.

\--

After the call, Buck shuts himself in the locker room and sits on the bench, his head in his hands. It’s been a while since his last flashback, but they never get any less frightening. 

Buck isn’t exactly sure what the cause of this particular episode was -- well, he knows what the cause was, but he doesn’t know  _ why _ . He’s never even  _ considered _ ever comparing Richard to Bobby before. Richard wasn’t a father to him. The man only ever cared about money and his over-inflated ego. Bobby is the closest thing Buck’s ever had to a decent father figure. Buck had never worried about the possibility of Bobby hurting him the way his father had, and consciously, he still trusts his captain with his life. 

Tears slowly trickle down his cheeks as Buck allows himself a soft sob.

“Why did I have to look at his book?” he whispers into the still air. “Why didn’t I just listen to Hen?”

“Now that’s the real question, isn’t it?”

Quickly wiping his face against his shirt sleeve, Buck turns to see Hen standing behind him, her arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, sitting down next to him.

“Oh, nothing,” Buck plasters on a smile, cursing his voice for wavering. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with the rest of the group?”

“I’m here because I know what PTSD looks like, Buck. Who was it that hurt you before?”

Buck inhales sharply, glancing up at Hen before dropping his gaze to his hands.

“I, um, I just wasn’t expecting Cap to react like that.”

Hen stays silent. Her presence is soothing, steady and firm like a lifeline. 

“M--My father was never very… fond of me. I got sick a lot when I was younger, so he always yelled at me for being weak and worthless. It wasn’t until…” Buck clears his throat, blinking rapidly a few times to stave off his tears. 

He looks up when he feels a hand on his knee, catching Hen’s eye.

“It’s alright,” she murmurs encouragingly. “You can continue if you’d like, but I’m not gonna force you to say anything more.”

With a sigh, Buck shakes his head. “No, I -- I think I need this. He started hitting me when I was six or seven. It got worse once Maddie left though.”

“Who’s Maddie?”

“My sister. She’s eight years older than I am and she would always try to protect me. When Maddie went to college, he, um…” Buck trails off again, trying to slow his erratic breathing.

Hen grips his hand comfortingly. “I’m here, Buck. I’m here.”

“He would never let me go to hospital.” Buck stares at the far wall, lost in memory. “I almost died when I was fifteen. He’d snapped my humerus clean in half after catching me with a boy and it was sticking out of my forearm. My mom and I managed to set the bone, but she had to resort to stitching the wound closed with a sewing needle and thread. Infection set in after a few days and I… Well, my mom did her best to keep him away from me, but eventually it stopped working. I got kicked out of the house with a 104 fever and dragged myself over to my friend’s house and lived there till college. I haven’t seen any of my family since then.”

Buck looks back at Hen, surprised to see tears streaming down her face. “H-Hey, don’t worry! I’m -- I’m here now. It’s fine!”

“But  _ you’re _ not fine.” Hen says, smiling sadly at him. “The fact that you’re still affected by things like this means that you’re  _ not _ okay. You know that Bobby would never, under normal circumstances, intentionally hurt you like that, right?”

“Yeah -- no, I mean, I know that!” Buck exclaims earnestly. “Cap’s the closest thing I’ve got to a father figure and I trust him with my life. It’s just that…”

“Your subconscious doesn’t trust me.”

Buck’s eyes snap up to stare at Bobby, leaning against the doorway. A beat of silence passes and Hen swiftly rises, patting Buck on the shoulder. “I’ll leave you two to sort things out.”

The door swings shut behind her. 

Swallowing past the lump in his throat, Buck quickly blurts, “I-I’m sorry for invading your privacy, Cap -- it won’t happen again, I promise! I didn’t realize--”

The man holds up a hand and he shuts his mouth abruptly. “I don’t want to hear it, Buck.

A jolt of guilt flashes through Buck and he ducks his head.

“I’m here to apologize.”

“Wh-Why would you do that?” Buck stammers. “I was the one who -- oh. How much did you hear?”

“Enough,” Bobby sighs, taking Hen’s place on the bench next to Buck. “Enough to realize that I acted callously and idiotically. Enough to know that it may have deeply injured a member of my team.”

“It’s not really your fault. You didn’t know--”

“That doesn’t make what I did any less wrong. It reminded you of a traumatic aspect of your life, and for that, I apologize. You didn’t deserve any of it, not whatever happened to you in the past, and not the flashback I triggered.”

Buck’s breathing hitches. “How do you know I didn’t deserve it? Whatever… happened to me before, I mean?”

“Because you’re a good kid, Buck,” Bobby gives him a wan smile. “You would never do anything to warrant something bad enough to make you hide in the locker room alone.”

“My father didn’t seem to think so,” Buck sniffles, still refusing to meet Bobby’s gaze.

“Oh c’mere, kid.”

Bobby opens up his arms, pulling him into a warm hug. Buck buries his face into Cap’s shoulder.

“I don’t care what your father said to you, Buck,” Bobby murmurs into his hair, gently rubbing his back. “You are a hundred times the man he will ever be. Never forget that. There are people who love and care for you, and you deserve every ounce of their affection.”

Buck isn’t so sure. The voice in his head that screams  _ worthless, incompetent, stupid _ still rings loudly. But for now, he’s happy to relax into his captain’s embrace.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> That was a wild ride!
> 
> Please be aware that I do not, under any circumstances, condone child abuse or negligence. If you are in a domestic violence and/or child abuse situation, remember that there are people you can call who will help you no matter what. I have mixed feelings about what Bobby did to Buck. On the one hand, what Buck did was a total invasion of privacy, especially after Hen warned him (but honestly, would we expect our lovable little golden retriever to give up after a simple warning?). On the other, I don't believe Bobby should have physically assaulted his subordinate, regardless of the situation, and especially not in a workplace setting. Moral of the story: don't do stuff that smart friends like Hen tell you not to do :) Also, never be afraid to talk to your friends if you have depression or anxiety. They are there to support you, and they will always care about you, regardless of whether you think you deserve it or not.
> 
> BTW, the humerus is the bone in your upper arm, in case anyone was curious.
> 
> Leave comments and kudos!


End file.
